Freakish Entertainment: Hire Me For Your Next Party!

There's something wildly entertaining about watching guests' expressions when they are being followed by me and my, uh . . . "skills."

After the holiday season of parties, I realized I've really got a gift for adding a certain je ne sais quoi to the party experience.

Services I offer:

*Following people around, armed with a marker, to label guests' plastic cups/paper plates (thus avoiding loss and shamefully excessive use). "Here, let me mark this for you so you don't bring us all down with your ignorance. . . . Sooo, you having a good time? Great party, eh?"

*Hovering nearby "subtly" chiding anything un-green people do/say/eat/wear/any other morally-reprehensible practice. "Love this punch! Have you had some? Well, I didn't want to be wasteful with a cup, so I've just been sipping directly from the ladle. Speaking of . . . your cup looks a little low. May I top you off?"

*Starting conversations with a heavy emphasis on phrases like "landfills are throbbing, pus-filled pimples plaguing the face of our poor Mother Earth," or "that food you're eating is a toxic blend of 83 different chemical pesticides known to cause bellybuttons to grow on your neck," or "the clothing you are wearing was made by blind, three-legged orphan puppies." That ought to, you know, get the ball rolling for your party. I tell you, there's nothing like guilt and accusations to really crank up the conversation.

Bonus service:

My own guilt will prove an asset when it comes time to clean up. You will, of course, do it all wrong--you'll throw recyclables and compost-ables in the trash. I'll start getting the shakes. I won't be able to stand idly by and watch you single-handedly ruin the future of our species. So don't bother hiring clean-up help; I'm an all-in-one package deal.

You won't be disappointed.

Or, maybe you will.

[And if you have stickers or (sigh) . . . balloons at your party (shiver), those things kiiiiind of give me the jibblies. That may be a deal-breaker for me.]