There's something wildly entertaining about watching guests' expressions when they are being followed by me and my, uh . . . "skills."
After the holiday season of parties, I realized I've really got a gift for adding a certain je ne sais quoi to the party experience.
Services I offer:
*Following people around, armed with a marker, to label guests' plastic cups/paper plates (thus avoiding loss and shamefully excessive use). "Here, let me mark this for you so you don't bring us all down with your ignorance. . . . Sooo, you having a good time? Great party, eh?"
*Hovering nearby "subtly" chiding anything un-green people do/say/eat/wear/any other morally-reprehensible practice. "Love this punch! Have you had some? Well, I didn't want to be wasteful with a cup, so I've just been sipping directly from the ladle. Speaking of . . . your cup looks a little low. May I top you off?"
*Starting conversations with a heavy emphasis on phrases like "landfills are throbbing, pus-filled pimples plaguing the face of our poor Mother Earth," or "that food you're eating is a toxic blend of 83 different chemical pesticides known to cause bellybuttons to grow on your neck," or "the clothing you are wearing was made by blind, three-legged orphan puppies." That ought to, you know, get the ball rolling for your party. I tell you, there's nothing like guilt and accusations to really crank up the conversation.
My own guilt will prove an asset when it comes time to clean up. You will, of course, do it all wrong--you'll throw recyclables and compost-ables in the trash. I'll start getting the shakes. I won't be able to stand idly by and watch you single-handedly ruin the future of our species. So don't bother hiring clean-up help; I'm an all-in-one package deal.
You won't be disappointed.
Or, maybe you will.
[And if you have stickers or (sigh) . . . balloons at your party (shiver), those things kiiiiind of give me the jibblies. That may be a deal-breaker for me.]